five

Mind blowing. For me anyway. Five years ago, I was coming out of epidural numbness, into the excruciating pain of a massive abdominal gash, nipple gnawing, and utter and complete panic.

He was so beautiful.

He fell asleep at 7 o'clock last night, during Robin Hood, and I carried him up to bed, feeling his weight and trying not to knock his head against the door frame (I never seem to gauge it right). He woke up an hour later, all rosy cheeked, with his blonde wavy hair curling on the crown. "Is it my birthday, yet?" His little confused face contorting as he processed that he hadn't slept for long enough.

Yesterday, he got a 'privilege card' at school. A silver card, not unlike a membership card for a casino, or a gym. Very grown up. I asked his teacher about it, and she replied "for those children who are always good, and when charts and stamps aren't enough, because they are consistently helpful and kind and well behaved. Its in recognition of that. We give them to the older children in exchange for privileges, such as staying inside at break time, and extra time to use the computers, but for the little ones, the concept can be confusing. The card seems to be reward enough".

Ezra slept with his card last night and couldn't let it out of his sight for a second. The pride on his face when he showed me forced tears to brim in my eyes, and my voice was shakey as I tried to chat nonchalantly to one of the parents.

At parents evening last week, his teacher showed me a peice of writing he had done independantly, and I filled up again. We had been practicing at home, but he had suddenly taken a leap and I hadn't been there when it happened. I was overwhelmed by his independance and capability, and sheer bloody magnificence.

That big boy is considerate of other people's feelings, probably more than their bodies (which is evidenced in the way he is shocked when flying Ben10 4 arms can hurt someone when they connect). He always resolves Seth's problems, and so beautifully. He's more empathic towards his brother than I could ever hope to be. I hear him counselling him in the evening when they've gone to bed and I am in awe of his compassion and generosity. "Seth, don't worry, we'll sort it out" he often says throwing his arm around his brother, "Thank you Ezra" Seth returns the cuddle and looks up admiringly at his biggest ally.        

My first baby, is in many ways, so far away from those first few hours, when it was just me and him. Yet, when he climbed in bed with me last night, and snuggled up into my arms, it was as though no time had past.